arizona is a load of empty boxes. I've never considered/planned more revolt than i have here, being so bored and feeling so very intrusive on the lives that so gratefully invited me in. not realizing i was actually a real, honest, twistedly vulnerable girl. thing is, i cant feel a thing, and i know they feel just as dull in their lives, i just resist the things they fill the void with. no room for art, music, or expansion of anything but my fucking skin with all this food.
Where has the good gone, no love like our love, been three months since i could feel something that i could prove in someone else. since i cried happy tears, since i was attracted to anyone, my favorite color has changed its contrast. the sunset has nothing to do with the new light in your eyes, you found when you left.
Enough.
i don't think im gonna write again until its about something i CAN feel.
7.30.2011
7.25.2011
screaming
in bouts of high energy. i know ill laugh again today, in a way my ears will wonder who's voice i've stolen. im not gone, im more here than i ever have been. im strong enough to grow old and stay just as young as our love. posture, patience, let go of something extraneous, no more coffe, and make something attention binding for an hour every day. see you on top of the last california hill.
7.23.2011
im traveling
im growing. im stronger than you're knowing. i want to feel it especially if its sad,, if the water from my eyes wants to give up its deguise ill let it out loud. with not one ounce of doubt. ive got no love to give, no energy for you to sieve. its all for me. the moment he left my love, like a lone magnet in cotton. i fell in love, with the life id forgotten. hes gone from touch, the climax of his cloud wont ever be too much. ill hear his strings before i see the glint of his ancient things. i feel my thoughts, the nymph in my head, shes sitting like and indian and telling him of her head. she burned her anger,, the energy was traded, from hate to save it. in a glass bottle of white, spoke to him in the night, he didnt understand why the other side of the glass had to happen so fast. worshipped and famous the way they always painted, a promise seed, the petals flee the wind so harsh, the color was lost. the lion wouldnt touch me. the truth was too much to see. turned love over like an unlucky penny. his love wasnt for me, it was for many.
nazi guilt
Thursday night july 21.
My friend and I decided to sleep out under the trees in sleeping bags and a drunk haze of laughter.
we decided our dreams would have room to escape if there was no ceiling to house the energy subconcious arises at night.
I dreamt like a movie. Hitler and a gaggle of nazi's were on their way out of the doorless abandoned concentration camp facility, i was watching his mustache and lips move in choppy german slang. he was telling two nazi's to hurrry up and follow, "we are done here, men!" two men, blonde and brunette were sitting on a turned over desk, the brunette was holding a gun with a white handle, he said in a sly voice, "look what i got. general's one beauty" the blonde's eyes widened in disbelief. they ended up getting left behind somehow, as they pillaged through the building i could hear the sound of bones crushing under their feet, they went to a shower room wheere theyd heard shots and manic laughter just 30 mins before, jews of bones and blood lay everywhere, and they begin to be horrified by their trusted duties.
i told my friend of my dream and she said that it makes since id have a dream like that.
we were sleeping on a WWII main vain hospital port and cemetary. the presideo.
My friend and I decided to sleep out under the trees in sleeping bags and a drunk haze of laughter.
we decided our dreams would have room to escape if there was no ceiling to house the energy subconcious arises at night.
I dreamt like a movie. Hitler and a gaggle of nazi's were on their way out of the doorless abandoned concentration camp facility, i was watching his mustache and lips move in choppy german slang. he was telling two nazi's to hurrry up and follow, "we are done here, men!" two men, blonde and brunette were sitting on a turned over desk, the brunette was holding a gun with a white handle, he said in a sly voice, "look what i got. general's one beauty" the blonde's eyes widened in disbelief. they ended up getting left behind somehow, as they pillaged through the building i could hear the sound of bones crushing under their feet, they went to a shower room wheere theyd heard shots and manic laughter just 30 mins before, jews of bones and blood lay everywhere, and they begin to be horrified by their trusted duties.
i told my friend of my dream and she said that it makes since id have a dream like that.
we were sleeping on a WWII main vain hospital port and cemetary. the presideo.
heroin with lindsey lohan
sat july 23.
last night i dreamt i snorted herion with lindsey lohan and my friend aubrey, my nose started bleeding in the same way as you might see in pulp fiction. lindsey had the word drug store written in gold on her sandals. we went up to this roof top and a rush of water submerged us all up to our ears. as we stood in the water, euphoria filled my body and i sunk my head under, i could hear a party echo under the roof.
last night i dreamt i snorted herion with lindsey lohan and my friend aubrey, my nose started bleeding in the same way as you might see in pulp fiction. lindsey had the word drug store written in gold on her sandals. we went up to this roof top and a rush of water submerged us all up to our ears. as we stood in the water, euphoria filled my body and i sunk my head under, i could hear a party echo under the roof.
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