i feel im stuck imagining the best part of my life, i know ive felt love ill never feel again. with no account of our experience without a question of its truth, i want to savor it, keep it deep in soul so i have it to grow. im talking about pictures and his face. im forgetting who i am, im starting to wonder if im boiling with no vent inside for no reason, if im lying to my new friends, no one cares about the stories, i have no proof.
annie hall was to make love with. the day we retraced our steps out of the green sheen of bedroomdom, back to the night we met, playground sound up in the tower, there for an hour with no words between us only a permanent sign that the stars above us can align, fly down etched up stoney hill, warm cement kiss, middle of the street thrill. that was a dream we both had as we slept still, i could draw it of you'd stay longer, paint it if your face needs some color, sing it if your strings mend a time the sunset we would follow.
the knowing of ink under the moments peak, out of life down a porcaline sink,clink,blinkblinkblink..baby please separate those lashes i need the sun to rise. boyd,back yard ball. back in beige doom, this room with no zoom. i cant remember who i am until i see his face outside of my own head, ive seen what my dreamscape seeps too late, im running out of soul. into an empty glass bowl. if i made someone out of flesh and skull id be in love again, old soul dies sooner, young spirit ascend.

all the leaves in the sky

every little bit counts. feeling, i still feel you like a  spry doe that feels her blood pulsing through the dirt to a another life. taken from me the best thing i could have gievn away. mushrooms are always in their past life, here to poison whats already there and acid wash into a new time,  all the sudden not one certain smile, last look, or reassurance of my young soul could even make it to the place i'd rather be with you. i dreamed that i was really missing my long brown hair. i had word salaad for breakfast and word vomit projected to orange paper, what if you had to paint your day for it tto be beautiful, or write it out makr life happen, most people act it all out and cry later when no one theyve created knows who they are. flat worms; like us, separated by tainted conciousness and who's leading the way. mazed in and out of life and fed after death to a new them, and the memory of the right way is digestively and inheritently with the essence that every separte concoiousness is one.
three shadows make a solid composition under the orange glow. This house of box worlds holding life only when the owner inflluences the ingredients. like us, i drank so much water today, that i am the city. if that makes since, clear pee doesnt clean the sea.

key to your lips, moon and striped mittens

she doesnt have that side, isnt it great that we dont always know everything, besides the things we dnt care about? when people are passionate everyone at once, ive only felt the unreal once, and this feels like a superior curiousity but a different sort of passion. i doze off the feline is growlin, i would get up if i only new the direction. i dont want to be stoned, i let me down. iwish i could see you, even if i do see you all the time. she couldnt stop feeling, and thinking on her toes, i felt like i could have been anybody, and thats worse than being no one. downer tonight eh. the day was im not in touch with my self anymore.. not tonight i wish i could see you where are you maybe hell run away. another one told me this is purgatory, aries made of soldiers, phhst indians more  like it, everyones already dead, he was searching for how they bleed, i was thinking of it where does your spirit go when you die, before we die, the second rebirth. i need to be more intelligent, to apply myself, i walk down streets smiling and practicing on having somewhere to go. its true im honest, i get more and more honest the more i learn about its truth, the fact that i walk in circles on this earth but all in th i need to buck up and collect myself,vise versa twice, i have a light in me, it flickers at a spurt of orange running half aasleepp and trunning not meaning theres nothing. natural inspiration took over my capacity for dicipline cant even spelt it tonight. you get what you need, dont take what you want, walkin down the street could have ended my days. im never alone, im right here in the tide, i get closer every morning when your lids rise, you take me out of my new indiffernce and breathe me in till im stirred in your veins a deep  dark swimming pool of me in your hands baby, and out of your pixie fingers i go. everything puts you to sleep but ya head, if i didnt think i was important i wouldnt be writing me down. i need to give off delicate but potent energy. somehow ill know what that is, i bought books today, and a necklace from someone very much alive, if you pictur it as were all dead, it makes me think theres a way it can be easier not to want daeth. scorpio is a liar, but im tricked by those im interested in as humans. tricksters are intrested in those they can be anyone with. i cant open my eyes.

the more you let go, the more you have yourself

angry scales cutting board, pineapple drip. next door the light switches on and kicks out the shadow crowd.   tygarlily's a wilting, its just not her day, her purple sprouting tongue is so scary, the sun wont even look her way. made a match stick that only lights on tough skin, the fire turns as bright as the strength of the strike, the flame smells just like him. a silver castle woman perched on my knee, she whispers her wishes, and brushes my cheek with fingertips of surrendered seas. the pearls in her ears, tell me this goddess is feared, by those who have no youth, truth, or spears. met a boy with wooden teeth, they chipped and squeaked like your grandmas stairs everytime he speaks. i told him he should carve in them, what he wanted to say, he wasnt like everyone, he didnt change his desires every other day. he told me he cant smile, his lips were born astray. so naive, ill walk with my eyes closed, so maybe i'll want to stay. what the fuck does bump no rubbish mean?

onword!

maybe im not grounded because im too busy trying to lift off. Ive yet to experience, greed for it is rolling off of me like sweat. I dont want my skin to grow into my soul, for then id be too old.  Ill have something to do with the end, this earth wont end me. blind vision. identity birthmark. passed on personality. fear(less). classified as a parasite, im fascinated with what i can see no longer, but have if i'd only release my urges right. what is the world missing, people are taken.. just to be given back into separate flesh of the same species? i think not..

step cautiously, but firmly. dont tip toe around intimidation. my eyes are searching and distracted. my mind feels like a worn out screen, relieved when its clear of debris, but addicted having remnance of phrases and memorbilia of those since the pass. observing, wond flowing, pushing the storm out, but being in it for the sake of whats inside. its okay to be empty for  how long, my fingers are alive but im obviously incoherent. imagine becoming deaf, your heart is the only thing you have to hear, the one reason you are still human, alive. your mind is quiet. truth doesnt make a noise. the urge to dance and the rush to turn the volume up, catch yourself and listen to the silence, move your feet to the music you imagine for the release to compensate of the loss of sense. and you will create the music you require to continue your dance.

ramble on

he didnt like to be mocked he blew his nose in his socks. my hat has someones face on it. can you imagine.. just consider.. who would the soul have been, if he came back as a raccoon that was skinned and his face was now on my head, someone with a pretty face, that took it for granted and made men panic. maybe everything matters, but it doesnt have to mean anything all the time. my dream comes back to me at the start of every new breath, but then its ashtonished by my focus and out it goes and my eyes are forced to balance my feet. im the most imbalanced ive evr been. in my head im doin pretty solid because im learning. but i cant remember anything, i gotta get this outta my system. its much too combusted, i want to be awake, im on an ancient time zone. my body is shutting down. i dont feel unfulfilled about today except for right now. i feel unhealthy. i want to read and watch a s....
two days later i think?:
chels busts through my door this morning, announcing like shes got a gust of honorary wind behind her, that i should "GO GET THE WORLD!" so, after 2 cups a coffee and the weirdest english muffin granola yogurt chutney butter thing i made, i decided to face the bus. went downtown to gather interest of what the protest was like during the day, every face was strange and looked to me like they were scared of themselves. the campers were tense and the park gave no hint of either surrender or passion. got a call from my future and i made a big decision to move out of this stagnant blue machine of boots, and make my way up the white winding stairs to a pink abyss of free human inhabitance. thank you craigslist, youve got good direction and choice.

the seed, vulnerable and exposed as something untouchable, awaiting the time when it sprouts, an embarrassing almost, a space of time all for its own promanent silence. the space in between two inseprable  finger prints. look down at your palm, it shows you only that you are.  leave these hands tonight and bury your old hair on the moon. everything ive asked for is already here, found. and lost all over again with the new set. sunsets are not junkies of any sort, i live for them, but they take no disrespectful noun.  the moon is in charge. the sun has tornados the size of all we roam. souls lost.. its not so hard, limbo, seventeen years just testing the stick over head, determining every move. i just want you to dance with me. i wont ever stop saying that. i just want a friend. a single form of cells just for my attention. i was fortunate to be synchronized with the highest of heavens of human there ever was, he was god. he could be anyone, anything he believed. if he didnt believe it himself then it was no good.. can i at least have second best. why am i here, lead me to the reason, the certain cloud grey enough not to fall out from under me, but high enough just to taste the winds.  untill then ill just keep on sewing. being my own best friend is a full time job. time is not even near my side. funny how its gone when you are undoing.. so much energy saved up, but for what, who? theres nothing to look forward to in these last days. fear is advertised, rather than conquered for a higher understanding of remedies to keep on fucking going, flush the pain away, smile and think the day away. for what you understand, learn,and fight while alone, you will utilize in a more communicative time of life. missing pieces. will and have already been found. the echoes make you seem closer the farther they rickochette. these scatter brained thoughts come a place where i shouldnt be, which is all around, and to come and gone. theres no way i felt you today. i could really go away. but this place, accumulated with outside material, unconnected things, is my life. Dear Love, blind and black, pace your way, to me.

I need to write a book on my summer of love and my life until now. For in a couple of days, life will want my precious time, money, and the attention i  dont have capacity for. i wrote be happy inside o f a green heart on his back while he was sleeping.. after the first night we made love.
 A waiting room, sitting next to a grey haired woman, shes so close i can hear the air move through her weak lungs. know yourself, ultimate wants and needs must reflect reality, if skewed in a tiny way, tolerance is key to the intricate muscles around the lips. here i am, here and now, and im wasting waiting,  im going to make a wall of passages, doors used in many abandoned hearts of homes. a door collector, right here.
a want a beer a day. pbr please.
the way your tongue feels on the end of a battery, felt surging huge through my chest, Ive bottled energy, saved for a time that will never be right for the mind, for the acqaintance made, for the past shame. i can never be as lost as the moments shared on paper, or the strings attached to a frequency we created with the truest of voices.
I start new, closer to a comfort of silence, with someone a little less blue than the rest of us in this book. the music is never loud enough, when theres no one dancing with you.

we are what we feel

arizona is a load of empty boxes. I've never considered/planned more revolt than i have here, being so bored and feeling so very intrusive on the lives that so gratefully invited me in. not realizing i was actually a real, honest, twistedly vulnerable girl. thing is, i cant feel a thing, and i know they feel just as dull in their lives, i just resist the things they fill the void with. no room for art, music, or expansion of anything but my fucking skin with all this food.
Where has the good gone, no love like our love, been three months since i could feel something that i could prove in someone else. since i cried happy tears, since i was attracted to anyone, my favorite color has changed its contrast. the sunset has nothing to do with the new light in your eyes, you found when you left.
Enough.
i don't think im gonna write again until its about something i CAN feel.

screaming

in bouts of high energy. i know ill laugh again today, in a way my ears will wonder who's voice i've stolen.   im not gone, im more here than i ever have been. im strong enough to grow old and stay just as young as our love. posture, patience, let go of something extraneous, no more coffe, and make  something attention binding for an hour every day. see you on top of the last california hill.

im traveling

im growing. im stronger than you're knowing. i want to feel it especially if its sad,, if the water from my eyes wants to give up its deguise ill let it out loud. with not one ounce of doubt. ive got no love to give, no energy for you to sieve. its all for me. the moment he left my love, like a lone magnet in cotton. i fell in love, with the life id forgotten. hes gone from touch, the climax of his cloud wont ever be too much. ill hear his strings before i see the glint of his ancient things. i feel my thoughts, the nymph in my head, shes sitting like and indian and telling him of her head. she burned her anger,, the energy was traded, from hate to save it. in a glass bottle of white, spoke to him in the night, he didnt understand why the other side of the glass had to happen so fast. worshipped and famous the way they always painted, a promise seed, the petals flee the wind so harsh, the color was lost. the lion wouldnt touch me. the truth was too much to see. turned love over like an unlucky penny. his love wasnt for me, it was for many.

nazi guilt

Thursday night july 21.
My friend and I decided to sleep out under the trees in sleeping bags and a drunk haze of laughter.
we decided our dreams would have room to escape if there was no ceiling to house the energy subconcious arises at night.

I dreamt like a movie. Hitler and a gaggle of nazi's were on their way out of the doorless abandoned concentration camp facility, i was watching his mustache and lips move in choppy german slang. he was telling two nazi's to hurrry up and follow, "we are done here, men!" two men, blonde and brunette were sitting on a turned over desk, the brunette was holding a gun with a white handle, he said in a sly voice, "look what i got. general's one beauty" the blonde's eyes widened in disbelief. they ended up getting left behind somehow, as they pillaged through the building i could hear the sound of bones crushing under their feet, they went to a shower room wheere theyd heard shots and manic laughter just 30 mins before, jews of bones and blood lay everywhere, and they begin to be horrified by their trusted duties.
 i told my friend of my dream and she said that it makes since id have a dream like that.
we were sleeping on a WWII main vain hospital port and cemetary. the presideo.

heroin with lindsey lohan

sat july 23.
last night i dreamt  i snorted herion with lindsey lohan and my friend aubrey, my nose started bleeding in the same way as you might see in pulp fiction. lindsey had the word drug store written in gold on her sandals. we went up to this roof top and a rush of water submerged us all up to our ears. as we stood in the water, euphoria filled my body and i sunk my head under, i could hear a party echo under the roof.